I heard a song the other day that took me back to a specific time and place. And along with those memories came all the emotions.
My husband, kids and I were supposed to go down to my home town last weekend to see my dad. But because of Nebraska’s ridiculous flooding this year, we weren’t able to go. My feelings were hurt, but what do ya do? Mother Nature has a mind of her own sometimes. My dad’s driveway is complete mud along with all the other gravel roads you have to travel down to get to his house.
The thought of going back to that place, the place I grew up in, gives me a weird feeling. When I say that place, I don’t just mean the house I grew up in. I mean the town I called home for my whole childhood. That place feels so far out there in my mind.
Maybe it’s because my parents aren’t together anymore, making it not feel like “home” anymore.
Maybe it’s because after high school, I left and had no intentions of going back.
Maybe it’s because there are so many memories, good and bad, that were left there and when I see that place now, my mind does the “what if” game.
Everything happens for a reason. God has a plan in place before we can even dream up the next page of the book. But do you find yourself wondering what would have been different if you would have acted a different way, picked a different door?
The song I mentioned was some country song that just takes me back to high school, driving around with my boyfriend, living life one love song at a time.
Isn’t it insane how our minds work? The memories that have been stored for so long come back with the sound of an old song.
It’s crazy to think about the past.
I love my life. I love my husband, our kids, the life we’ve built together. But when that song came on, my mind went straight back to my younger years and then I got to thinking.. What if I would have married that boy? What if I would have stayed in that town? Built a life there? Would I have been happy?
I know it’s probably not good for your mind to play the what if game and surely I’m not the only one.
After those memories came back and I played that stupid game in my head, I got to thinking about all the other parts of my past that I’m not exactly proud of, but make me who I am. [[Thank heavens for getting older and wiser, can I get an Amen!?]]
The relationships with friends that I let go of because something else was more important. The burned bridges. The people I hurt along the way. What if I would have done all those things differently? Treated people better? Treated myself better? Not drank so much in my early twenties? Made better choices?
I can’t take any of it back. I can’t change the hurt I caused anyone. I can’t fix all the mistakes I’ve made. All I can do is move forward. To any of my old friends, whose feelings I hurt throughout this crazy thing we call life, I am truly sorry. If I had to make a list of all the friends I’ve lost, because of a boy or other choices, I would be ashamed.
I am however thankful for the fact that I found Jesus along the way. And because of Him, I’m a better person. The older I get, the more I am becoming ME.
So as far as that country song and all those thoughts and emotions, they are apart of me. That part of my life was just a chapter, just like all the others. We learn from all of them and the memories stay. They are just memories.
Staying lost in the memories is like staying in the past. Not healthy. Moving forward, dreaming big and continuing to grow as a person is what’s best. And that’s exactly what I’ll do.
When the time comes that we do go visit my dad, I’m sure the memories and emotions will come back, but hey, that’s normal. I do miss the country and the feeling of open spaces and freedom. That place will always be apart of me. I just don’t have to call it “home” anymore.
I also will stop listening to old country songs, ha!