House or Home

I’ve been trying to listen and be obedient when God speaks. Even when it sounds like a crazy idea or something I absolutely don’t want to do.

Well, yesterday while I was driving home from my sister’s, He said “go visit your dad. You’re this close, just go.” So I called my dad and I went.

This sounds simple enough right?

Not when the house you called home for your whole childhood doesn’t feel like home anymore. Not when you left that town years ago to never look back. Not when the emotional baggage that comes along with the visit is exhausting.

The minute I turned onto highway 2 outside of Lincoln my stomach was in knots.

There are so many what ifs that go through my head when I’m in my dad’s house. So many memories.

The song Red Rag Top by Tom McGraw is one song that reminds me of the life I left behind. I heard it on the way to the house yesterday and these lyrics for perfect:

“Well you do what you do and you pay for your sins
And there’s no such thing as what might have been
That’s a waste of time
Drive you out of your mind.”

I think we all have chapters of life we think about over and over and wonder what would have been. I do with my own life choices, but I also wonder about my dad and the choices he made once upon a time to be where he is now.

Those of you that grew up with me and have been to the house I called home, know how beautiful it was. How homey and welcoming. How it always smelled like a Yankee Candle or fresh baked cookies. That house was a safe place that always brought us together as a family. Our friends were always welcome there and so many memories were made.

I wish I could say that my girls and husband see it that way. But they can’t. It’s different now. It’s a place that feels so lonely.

The past is just that and there’s no point in dwelling there in those memories. Wondering what could be different, what if I would have stayed and not ran away, what if I wouldn’t have hurt certain people. All of those thoughts went through my mind yesterday. But I can’t allow myself to be stuck there.

I love the life I have, my husband and kids. But I do think and maybe wish I wouldn’t have run away from that town, to never look back, for my dads sake. I can’t take back all these years that I should have been better about visiting, taking care of him- even though he’s stubborn and doesn’t want my help.

All I can do is be better. To overcome the fear and anxiety that comes along with visiting, being in that town.

I’ve said it before, the past isn’t where we dwell, it’s where we came from. It’s what makes you YOU. Memories are there to show you where you’ve been and how far you’ve come. They show you that things happen for a reason.

So. Here I sit, making plans to go back to that house in a few weeks to make that place feel more like a home. Because that’s what God is telling me to do. He knows the emotional baggage, the hurt, anxiety that come with those visits. But He also knows I can overcome.

Here’s to remembering the past, living for right now and making the future better.