We all have “what if’s” or “I wonder’s” that sit in the back of our head that tend to pop up from time to time. I’m a firm believer that my life is literally a story. Each chapter is different. Some are easy to read, full of laughter and good experiences. Others are emotionally draining and seem to last forever.
I’ve been thinking a lot about my past lately. The not so good parts of childhood, high school and all the choices I made. Parts of my past give me a terrible ache in my stomach and regret sinks in. Even after all these years, I wonder what could have been different had I listened to my gut and my parents more.
When you’re young, wild and think you’re free, you tend to do what you want. No matter the consequences. Chasing boys, especially the bad boys, was such a thrill. Lord help me now that I have two daughters. One boy in particular had me with his blue eyes and sweet words. He turned out to be the worst, most toxic part of my past.
I can’t blame him for all of my mistakes, because I was old enough to know better. But he had this way of manipulating my every move. I let him control me from the minute he smiled at me. Bless my innocent soul. I’ve never even shared this part of my past with my husband, because it’s totally embarrassing how idiotic I was.
I was only fifteen when I let this boy take full advantage of me. I’m sure I’m not alone when I say that I wasn’t ready for that move into adulthood at that young age. In my head I thought I could handle the baggage that came with the choice I had made. Little did I know that this boy would now have complete control of my body and emotions.
For years I let him ruin my relationships with friends, my sister and my parents. School work was always last on my list of priorities, this boy was always first. He lived in a town thirty miles from my home. I would drop everything, risk everything, to go see him. All because he said I had to or it was over.
For real. I let myself fall into this trap for almost three years. I want to smack myself even writing this.
There was one mothers day that I will never forget. He wanted me at his house by a ridiculously early time. I left my house, my mom upset with me, and drove those thirty miles to find him still in bed. And that’s where he stayed for hours after I got there. You guys, my mom is something special. No matter how hurt and upset she was with me that day, she let me walk out that door. She let me make my own mistakes, watching closely from the sidelines.
His family life was never stable, so I always felt like I couldn’t let him down. Instead, I let my own family down. Over and over again. This is one time in my life that I truly wish I could change. So much hate and negativity happened during these few years.
This boy, who had my heart in his hands, shredded it to pieces numerous times. He lied, cheated and destroyed my soul. And I always went running back, forgave him and did it all over again.
I’m sitting here in tears, knowing that this part of my past defined my future relationships for years to come. Why was I so naive? Why didn’t I listen to my mom and dad when they were sitting with me in tears, hoping to pull me back to reality? What if I would have ended my life because of this boy?
Yep, that’s where this situation got me. Wanting to end my life. I will never forget the anger I had for my parents the day they took me to counseling. We sat there in silence for what seemed like hours. I wasn’t about to believe that this boy was ruining my life. God must have been there with me, because at one point I just gave in. Cried endless tears and let my parents love me enough to help me.
Toxic people like this blue eyes boy will always be apart of our lives. It’s just a matter of knowing when to get rid of them. Looking back now, this relationship made me stronger in so many ways. You can’t let someone like that “love” you. Because when you do, you lose love for yourself.
Love yourself first. Then you can learn to love others. Get rid of those toxic people before they completely consume you. This was one of the darkest times of my life and at such a young age. I know so many people that have been through similar situations, some of which have never been able to break free.
I pray this helps give hope to someone out there. Don’t let the past define you. Use your past as a learning experience. It’s just a stepping stone to being a better version of you.